I never dreamed I could feel so real
Yesterday was a personal best for me emotionally and mentally.
To cut a long story short we had to take our biggest turtle, Penny, to the only vet in the Maldives which was about a 2 hour speed boat journey away. The boat was brilliant fun and I got to see some awesome wildlife like flying fish, dolphins and baby sharks!
The vet was based in a beautiful resort which houses the Olive Ridley project. Olive Ridley’s are the Maldives’ smallest species of turtle so are the most commonly injured. Having said that, our 40 year old Penny is still pretty big!
I felt connected to every part of my body.
I felt grounded.
I felt like my old self.
It’s hard to explain how much this meant to me to someone who has never had derealisation. But almost every single damn day there is a two-dimensional or flat quality to everything I see which makes my life feel nearly, but not quite, how reality should and I feel floaty or dizzy inside my own body.
But not yesterday and no anxiety either!
I haven’t felt so like myself and so grounded in myself since I was 17 years old and I new it wouldn’t last long but it gave me the most precious gift: hope.
Why? I always thought that for the rest of my life PTSD would have a grip on me, it’s such a bleak outlook to know that I will have derealisation and anxiety until the day I die and it scares the hell out of me. But this gave me a beautiful little light at the end of a long long tunnel which made me believe that someday I might be free for maybe up to days at a time.
I can hardly put the wash of emotions I feel in writing but it makes me cry my eyes out with happiness and means the absolute whole world to me. It’s as though years of prayers have been answered even if it was just for a few hours. There are no words, just tears and an elated feeling inside my chest.
I knew it wouldn’t last forever and sadly the PTSD symptoms I loathe have crept back like the curse that they are but I will treasure yesterday forever as the day that made me believe in myself again. I can’t stop crying every time I think of those few hours and I’m gutted the feeling has gone. But I hope over my travels I’ll have more days like yesterday.
What a breakthrough for me! A moment of inner peace.
I’ve got lots of lovely pictures on themindfulplanet Instagram of the day.
Please follow me for more, my next post will be trying to explain the sensation of anxiety to those who haven’t experienced it before. If you’ve had/ have anxiety I’d love to hear from you to understand the different ways it can effect different people.